


The Package

by Kay_kat



Series: Prank Wars [4]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe is pissed, Crack, F/M, Forgive Me, Gen, It's not the severed head of a dude named Boris, Poor Dan, Seriously this series is just crack, The Devil is a man child, mentions of pudding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 00:56:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17929724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kay_kat/pseuds/Kay_kat
Summary: Dan receives a mysterious package.





	The Package

**Author's Note:**

> Get me updating two things in two days! Anyway, apologies for not updating this series sooner. Hopefully will be updating more regularly from now on. :)

Chloe is roused from sleep by the sound of metal clashing followed by a loud thump. Her brain immediately switches into ‘cop mode’, a surge of adrenaline effectively bypassing her usual sleepy grogginess. When she switches the bedside lamp on though, she sees that the space beside her is unoccupied and her fear of an intruder dissipates only to be replaced with a fear of whatever wacky misadventure is surely taking place downstairs.

That man ( _Angel?)_ -child will be the end of her.

With a hefty sigh, she throws the covers back and heads downstairs to see what all the commotion is about.

She stops on the bottom step, peering into the kitchen to capture a glimpse of what he’s doing before he notices her there. Over the ruckus he’s producing he certainly hasn’t heard her coming down.

He rummages through the cupboards above the kitchen counters, pulling out jars and containers, quickly inspecting the labels before discarding them into a haphazard pile. A roll of tape, red paper, a pair of scissors and a multitude of other odds and ends that she’s never seen before sit on the island counter.

What on Earth?

“ _Lucifer!”_ She snaps, causing him to jump like a scalded cat, the tin he’s holding falling to the counter with a loud clank as he spins on his heel to face her. “It’s the middle of the night! What _on Earth_ are you doing?”

“Ah… well… I… um,” he stammers sheepishly, looking everywhere but at her.

She stalks towards him. He looks awfully boyish with his messy, mused hair, standing there in nothing but his boxer shorts with a pink tinge of embarrassment in his cheeks.

“Look,” she says with a sigh, “I don’t know what _this,”_ she gestures vaguely at the random objects littering the kitchen, “ _is._ Just stop and come back to bed.” She’s too tired to care about the specifics of his latest antics right now and mostly just wants him not to wake Trixie up and her pillow back.

“You’re cleaning this up in the morning,” she grumbles, grabbing his hand and towing him back upstairs. “And what’ve I said about walking around the house in your boxer shorts?” She whirls on him at the top of the stairs pressing her index finger to his well-sculpted chest.

A grin lights his face, “it’s sexy and makes you want to… how did you put it? ‘Pounce and take me right here on the kitchen counter’?” He waggles his eyebrows, prodding the inside of his cheek with his tongue and looking very proud of himself.

She feels her cheeks flush as heat rushes to them. Maybe she did say that _one_ time….

“Not that! I mean when Trixie is here!”

“Oh… but, the little Hellion is _sleeping,”_ he purrs, his voice dropping half an octave. “We could get away with all sorts of _sinful delights_ and she would be none the wiser.”

She lets out a strangled cry that’s part way frustration and part way arousal. Shoving the latter down, she pokes his chest. “I don’t care. No,” she huffs, shaking her head and waving her hands in the air not believing that this is something she has to say out loud, “ _nakedness_ in the common areas whilst Trixie’s here.”

“Fine,” he grumbles, allowing her to pull him back to the bedroom behind her.

 

~

 

Lucifer manages to finish his little project in the morning after he’s taken Trixie to school and Chloe has left for work. He’s glad she hadn’t wanted to know what he was up to as she surely wouldn’t approve. Someone deserves a fitting punishment and that is the Devil’s business, no need to get the Detective involved.

Admiring his handiwork, he checks the red, wrapped package once more before attaching a label with ‘DANIEL ESPINOZA’ written in block capitals and black marker. He doesn’t want to chance his handwriting, as lovely as it is, giving him away easily after all.

 

~

 

Dan whistles happily as he hops down the steps of the precinct. So far, today has been a good day. He’d caught a break in his case that had cracked it wide open and after a quick check of the breakroom fridge he sees that Lucifer hasn’t touched any of his puddings. That jerk. He really deserved what he’d gotten the other day. Yeah, it’d been childish but damn it was funny to see him freak out. And maybe making the _actual Devil_ angry had been a stupid thing to do but it felt good to get one over on _him_ for a change.

He’d expected some kind of retaliation, maybe to get punched in the face again like he had done that one time, instead he’d done nothing. Yet. That is slightly concerning. The glint in his eye when he’d stormed off…

Nah. He pushes the thought away, grabbing a pudding out of the fridge. He’s known Lucifer for years. Devil or not he would never hurt him. Well, he would never do anything to upset Chloe and hurting him would probably upset her like a lot. He’s safe from the Devil’s wrath. It’s a good day, he shouldn’t be worrying about whatever that whack-job is up to, he should enjoy it.

When he returns to his desk though, he’s stopped in his tracks by the sight of a brightly wrapped, red package sitting there.

_Crap._

Once upon a time he would’ve been excited to receive a nicely wrapped gift. The wonder of what it could possibly be too strong to resist, a present from a grateful family of a victim perhaps. Not these days though. Nope. Packages for him these days always seem to be bad news.

He stares down at the package really hoping it isn’t another severed head. It certainly looks head sized.

“Hey, Dan,” Ella stops beside him, gracing him with her usual wide smile. “Watcha got? Another severed head?”

He laughs nervously. “I really hope not,” he replies still staring down at the box.

She leans over, turning the label over in her hand so he can clearly see his name written in black marker and block capitals. Because that isn’t suspicious at all, _is it?_ “Are you trying to open it with your mind, ‘cause I don’t think that’s going to work.”

“No, right.” He shakes his head and jerks into motion, pulling his pocket knife out of the top draw. “You’re right. I should just open it. It’s probably not a head, right?” He laughs nervously again. “I mean what are the chances?”

Ella takes a step back from his desk and he eyes her warily. “What?” She says with a shrug. “Just in case.”

“Right.”

He sticks his knife carefully into the paper, sliding it along until the lid can be lifted. He hesitates a moment and takes a deep, steadying breath before opening it.

When he does a puff of white powder bursts into the air. He quickly jerks away but not before the stuff hits him in the face. Ella jumps back out of reach, a horrified look on her face.

“Ella?!” He shouts, eyes wide with panic. “What the _Hell?!_ What is it?”

He desperately tries to brush the stuff of his face and clothes. It doesn’t sting or burn, and it doesn’t have any particular smell, but he knows all too well what it could be.

“I don’t know, Dan!” She cries out, grabbing the nearest phone and quickly dialling. “Just stay there.” She turns to address the crowd of officers that are gaping at him. “No one touch him or the package and no one leaves! Someone lock the exits.” When no one respond she shouts, “ _NOW!”_

~

 

Dan sits in the interrogation room in a white, zip up jump suit. The CDC had come quickly after Ella had called in the package and _decontaminated_ him. Stripping him of all his clothes and giving him this to wear. Now he sits, nervously fidgeting, isolated from everyone else in the station waiting on the results of whatever had been in that package. They’d said it could be a possible bioterrorist attack and they were treating it as such.

The woman from the CDC finally enters the room after what feels like hours of waiting. She’s no longer wearing a biohazard suit so that’s a good sign.

“Good news, Detective Espinoza, you’re free to go. The contents of the package weren’t harmful.”

“Oh, thank God,” he sighs. “Do you know where it came from?”

The woman purses her lips and folds her arms. “I was about to ask you the same thing. Our forensic team is processing the packaging but so far, no fingerprints or anything that could tell us where it came from. The ingredients used in the powder are things you could find in any kitchen. And apparently no one saw who left it on your desk.”

“What about the CCTV?”

She shakes her head. “No luck there either. We think it may have been tampered with, our tech guys are looking into it. One frame the package isn’t there and the next it just appears out of thin air like magic.” She laughs and shakes her head. “That’s impossible though, must’ve been tampered with,” she says almost to herself.

“Right. Impossible. Yeah.” He rises from the cold metal chair. “Thank you for everything.”

“Just doing our job Detective, be sure to get in touch if you think of anything that could help our investigation.”

“Sure thing,” he smiles. This wasn’t the way he thought the day would go but at least he’s not the victim of a bioterrorist attack. He looks down at himself. He really needs to change. Good thing he keeps spare clothes in his locker.

_“Lucifer!”_ He hears Chloe hiss followed by a small, less than manly yelp. He peers around the corner and sees her backing him up against the wall with her hand on his chest. They haven’t seen him, so he remains silent. Eavesdropping on their conversation feels wrong but if Morningstar left him that package, he wants to know about it and Chloe is the perfect way to get him to spill. “ _What_ did you do?”

There’s silence followed by another, “ _Lucifer!”_ He recognises her tone all too well. She’s pissed. He can’t help but smile at that. The dude deserves it.

“Fine! It was just a little bit of fun Chloe, Love! I was just hoping to give Daniel a scare after what the _bloody pillock_ did to me the other day. I didn’t think—”

“That’s just it, isn’t it?” She makes a frustrated groan. “You never think Lucifer, you just _do_ without thought of the consequences.” She lowers her voice to a hushed whisper. “ _You could be charged with attempted bioterrorism!”_

Dan has to hold back a laugh. The guy would probably get out of it somehow, he never does anything he doesn’t want to after all but, it sure would be satisfying to see him in cuffs.

“It’s alright, Love. I left no evidence.” He can hear the smug smile in his voice. “No one can possibly trace it back to me.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re getting away with this.” He makes a whining noise as she says something to him too quietly for him to catch.

He ducks behind a filing cabinet as she comes around the corner, dragging him along behind her by the lapel of his jacket with an expression on her face like thunder. “But Chloe, you can’t possibly—” He whines.

“No, Lucifer! You act like a child, you get treated like a child.”

He groans.

The exchange makes Dan laugh. Whatever she’s punishing him with, he deserves, but he has his own payback to get.

He knows just how to do it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Follow me on Twitter if you fancy having a chat about Lucifer, Deckerstar or anything really [@kaykat666](https://twitter.com/kaykat666). Thanks for reading!


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